Perversion
by Surreptitious Chi X
Summary: During Naruto and Jiraiya's travels. Jiraiya discovers that Sexy no Jutsu is more than just a prank. Somehow, he's got to make up for Naruto's childhood. He owes it to Minato. It's time to start being a godfather, the way Minato intended him to be.
1. Part 1

**Perversion**

* * *

They'd traveled most of the day to get to this village in the Land of Waterfalls. As they crested the hill, the village finally became visible, nestled in a hamlet and surrounded by trees. It was virtually a hidden village, but then, all villages in the Land of Waterfalls were like that.

Naruto lit up at the sight of the village. "Yes! Ramen!"

Jiraiya grabbed the back of his collar and stopped him. "You can't eat ramen all the time. It doesn't have enough calories for the kind of training we're doing."

Naruto twisted around, batting at Jiraiya's hand. "Then I'll eat more of it."

"Ramen is too many noodles and not enough meat," Jiraiya said. He didn't let go. "I know it goes against the way we've been taught to eat, but the way we've been taught to eat is wrong. We need more meat in our diets and less noodles if we want to be strong shinobi."

"Let go," Naruto complained.

"Listen to me, first." Jiraiya hoisted him up to eye level. "I'm your teacher. I know I might not look like much sometimes, but I know my stuff. They don't call me a sage for nothing. Listen to me when I tell you we're not going to eat ramen today."

Naruto pouted at him. "Ji-ji…"

Jiraiya's eyebrow twitched. Being called 'Uncle Ji' was better than being called 'Ero Sennin', so he'd take it. But he didn't have to like it. It sounded too much like 'jiji', which meant 'Old Man'. And he suspected Naruto was purposefully rubbing his face in his age, the same way he insisted on calling Tsunade 'Baa-chan'. "Naruto. No. I am not going to give in. We are going to feed you properly. What kind of a boy doesn't want more meat? Don't you like beef, or chicken, or pork? Fish counts. What about fish?"

"What I really want is…" Naruto trailed off, a longing look in his eyes.

"Yes?"

Naruto sighed. "Ramen."

Jiraiya clenched his teeth and tried not to throw Naruto to the ground. He succeeded. For the moment. "We can even have sushi if you like. Lots and lots of sushi. Anything to break you of this ramen habit. It's gonna kill you later if you don't get away from the stuff. In the form of chakra exhaustion. You can't fight Akatsuki on ramen."

"Isn't there anything I can do to convince you?" Naruto pleaded.

Jiraiya scowled. "No."

Naruto disappeared in a puff of smoke. Jiraiya suddenly found himself holding onto nothing. "H-Hey!"

A girl appeared through the dissipating smoke. A naked girl. With foxy marks on her cheeks. And long blonde hair. Smoke clung suggestively to her naughty bits. "What about now?" she asked dulcetly. She looked at him with wide blue eyes and touched her finger to her lips. "Is this more convincing?"

Jiraiya blushed hotly, partly from being surprised with a naked teenage girl, and partly from anger. "What is your deal?" His voice came out rough. "You know by now what I said about staying like that was a joke, and you know that no matter how clever that jutsu is, it's fake, and I know that, too. You're using a Henge. You are still a twelve year old boy, still a whiny little brat that I have to train proper food habits into before he gets himself killed, and you're still losing this argument!" By the end, his voice had risen to a yell.

The girl looked at him as though she were about to cry, her lower lip wobbling. "Jiraiya-sensei…don't you wuv me?"

"Cut it out!" Jiraiya grabbed her – him – by the shoulders. "Why is Sexy no Jutsu always your answer? Do you really think sex can buy your way out of any situation?"

"C-Course it can." Naruto sounded shaken. He looked it too. After a moment, the jutsu popped, leaving Jiraiya grasping the shoulders of his familiar male student. Naruto's face was pale.

Jiraiya stared at him.

Naruto flushed at the look Jiraiya gave him and scowled. "Everyone knows that. Sex buys you everything. Or the suggestion of it. If you can make something sexy enough, if you can turn someone on, then they're helpless. Isn't that what kunoichi do? I mean, they dress like whores. Lots of 'em do. And even Baa-chan – using that special genjutsu to look really pretty and stuff, and showing her boobs off, just so that she can control people more. She has the biggest boobs of anyone I know because she's the Hokage. The biggest boobs give you the biggest control. Only some people like you more innocent, so that's what I do. That's my strategy."

Jiraiya was struck speechless.

Naruto pulled away and crossed his arms. "Worked on you the first few times. You're just getting ornery, now. What's your type, then? Pretty and pert and innocent not doing it for you? Maybe you want someone a little bigger – like in the hips and stuff. Curvier. Or older? I can look like a seductive older lady."

Jiraiya slowly shook his head. He didn't know what to say. "You…You don't have to be my 'type'. I'm not going to…Don't you trust me?"

Naruto narrowed his eyes, staring. Minutes went by. "No."

"No?" Jiraiya checked the dusty road for his jaw. He couldn't help his mouth hanging open. "But we're…you're my student. I took you under my wing. Isn't that how…you feel?"

"I think I manipulated you into taking me," Naruto retorted. "Just like I manipulate everyone else to care about me. You don't care about me. You're just training me for your own reasons. Like Kaka-sensei. He's doing it – you're both doing it because you loved my dad. In the end, that's why. And Sasuke only cared when he thought I could help him get stronger. And Sakura-chan cares when I vow to protect Sasuke. That's who she cares about. And Iruka-sensei…I don't know. I guess I make him feel sorry. It's probably he can't stand to look like a bad teacher, so he makes it look like he's still trying to help me be less of a failure."

Naruto took a step forward, clenching his fists. "At least Iruka-sensei buys me ramen, which you're not even willing to do. I like ramen. It's my favorite food. Ramen's not going to kill me."

"The MSG increases blood pressure," Jiraiya said absently. "If you don't die of chakra exhaustion you might give yourself a heart attack overworking yourself when you've already got high blood pressure. It takes a lot of ramen, but you eat a lot of ramen."

"MSG?" Naruto made a face. "What's that? You just made that up!"

Jiraiya was totally dissociated at this point. _I can't believe we've all failed him._ "When did you start believing that nobody cares about you?"

"I don't," Naruto retorted. "I know you care. Cause I made you care. But you're not caring for good reasons, so don't pretend. And don't act like you're too good for my Sexy Jutsu, because it's not true. I caught you once and I'll catch you again."

Jiraiya blinked. "How did you learn to manipulate people this way?"

Naruto crossed his arms and smirked, apparently taking that for an admission of defeat. "Kunoichi. That's easy. I snuck into their classes when mine were boring." He laughed. "And they learn all the good stuff! Like about how to turn men on without ever revealing themselves or getting in reach, and how to use that arousal to manipulate men to do whatever they want. They've got a pretty badass job. Heh. I wish I were a kunoichi, sometimes. They got it easy. All the pretty parts are already built in. I have to make mine from scratch each time."

Jiraiya was silent for a few moments, formulating a question. "Have you needed to use Sexy no Jutsu often?"

"I made it up earlier this year," Naruto said. "I've used it a lot since then, though. It would really have come in handy earlier. And since everyone's always punishing me for using it, I can't find a lot of time to practice." He grinned. "Still, it's pretty good, isn't it?" He formed seals with his hands. "My first version never failed on anyone before – except Sasuke, and that was because he's a prick – so I haven't had a chance to show off what I can do."

Jiraiya held out a hand, too late. "No, Naruto, don't –"

In a puff of smoke, Naruto transformed into a curvaceous woman in her late twenties, with long, brown hair. "Is this better?" She – he – winked and blew Jiraiya a kiss.

Jiraiya felt like someone was stabbing him in the chest. "No. No, it's not. Naruto, listen to me. Kunoichi skills are not the same as interacting with people. Those skills are meant to be used on the enemy, not your allies."

Naruto looked frustrated. Her pout was still somehow attractive. She made hand seals again and transformed into a younger girl with long black hair in two slender ponytails. "Maybe blondes just aren't your type."

"No, they are," Jiraiya said quietly.

Naruto grinned, looking like an impish schoolgirl in his current Henge. "Long or short?"

"Short," Jiraiya said.

"Younger or older?"

"About twelve."

Naruto looked incredulous, but he transformed into a short-haired version of his original Sexy no Jutsu, with shorter legs and smaller breasts. "You're kind of kinky…"

"I like it with clothes on," Jiraiya said.

Naruto added a white summer dress with a puff of smoke. "Alright, so you've got a Lolita Complex. No big deal." He frowned, studying Jiraiya's face. "You don't look turned on."

Jiraiya sighed and pulled 'her' into his arms, hugging Naruto gently against his chest. "I want to protect you. Is that so gross?"

"Protection is a weird fetish," Naruto said. "Does this mean I have to make up a monster, too? I don't know if I can play two parts at once."

"No, the monsters are real," Jiraiya murmured. "They're called Akatsuki."

Naruto stared at him.

"I want you to be yourself," Jiraiya said, spelling it out. "Knock off the genjutsu crap."

Naruto pulled away from him. The genjutsu dissolved in a puff of smoke. "Yuck. You really are a pervert. You're into banging twelve year old boys?"

"No!" Jiraiya fisted a hand in his fluffy white hair and manfully resisted yanking it out by the roots. "I care about you. In a non-sexual way."

"Is that why you're always robbing me and leaving me alone to train for hours at a time?" Naruto asked.

Jiraiya narrowed his eyes. "If you need anything, I'll buy it for you. And you don't concentrate unless you're by yourself. You use other people around you as distractions, excuses to not get your work done."

Naruto crossed his arms over his chest. "You're still a pervert."

"Fine. But you're not eating ramen tonight." Jiraiya grabbed him by the collar of his zip-up sweater and turned around, dragging Naruto into the village.

"I'm coming." Naruto shrugged him off and walked under his own power.

Over dinner, Jiraiya would have to figure out how to straighten out Minato's son. He owed it to his student, and he owed it to Kakashi.


	2. Part 2

**Part 2**

* * *

In the aftermath of their argument, Naruto was silent. Jiraiya found a quiet, nearly deserted restaurant and got them a table. He ordered barbeque pork for Naruto, and fish for himself. When the server, a man in a white apron, had gone, Jiraiya said quietly, "You like pork, don't you? Pork miso ramen is your favorite flavor…"

Naruto folded his arms on the table and slouched, resting his chin on his arms. He appeared sulky and regretful, but Jiraiya wasn't sure about what. Perhaps Naruto had spoken hastily, and that was it, or perhaps Naruto was just afraid that now that the cards were on the table, Jiraiya would choose to leave.

Jiraiya sighed. "I'm sorry we fought."

Naruto straightened incredulously. "You're sorry?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry you kept those feelings locked inside, and I'm sorry my response was to yell at you," Jiraiya said.

Naruto stared at him.

"The truth is…I feel pain that you were left alone that way, and you had to fend for yourself. I was alone most of my life, too. I had parents, but I never saw them unless I was in trouble. They were both ninjas, and died in the Second World War. I never formed much of a relationship with them, but I was sad about what could have been." Jiraiya never imagined telling Naruto this. "I acted out a lot, and I felt like everyone around me hated me. I was always the loud kid on the team who was behind everyone else."

"Like me," Naruto said blankly.

Jiraiya nodded. "Your father was not that way; he was very much loved and supported. That is what I imagined for you. When I found out that you suffered like me…I wanted to take you from the village and adopt you. But Sandaime never made a final decision before he died."

Their server came back with rice, miso soup, and tea, and then left again.

Naruto picked at his rice. "You mean…Jiichan was going to let you be my dad or something."

Jiraiya nodded. "Your godfather. Like I was supposed to be. I was afraid to explain myself, because that would set me up for rejection."

Naruto shrugged. "I might've gone for it." He took a bite of miso soup.

Jiraiya sensed his opening. This might be the only opening for a discussion that he got. "When did you start thinking you needed to transform into a girl to get people's attention?" Jiraiya asked quietly. Asking why wouldn't get him anywhere. That had already been done, and Naruto had only gotten angry and spouted off some crap about sex being the only thing men paid attention to.

"When it worked." Naruto looked at his bowl of rice glumly and picked at it. "I was desperate, Jiraiya. I'd try anything once. I just wanted some attention. I wanted people to stop picking on me." His frown deepened to a scowl. "I didn't want to starve to death or be in trouble with Jiichan again. Every time I stole something to get by he'd get mad at me."

Jiraiya had nothing to say to that. Literally nothing. He nodded slowly and ate a bite of rice to make up for the silence. So that his mouth was doing something, at least.

"The first time, I didn't really know what I was doing," Naruto said. "I got the transformation down alright, but I couldn't hold it for very long…and she was naked. I made her using anatomy textbooks Iruka-sensei didn't know I was borrowing."

Jiraiya cleared his throat. "That's very clever of you, Naruto. Most people wouldn't be able to construct a Henge from a picture. It's a very advanced technique."

"Thanks," Naruto said without any enthusiasm. "I'm in trouble, aren't I? Again."

"No," Jiraiya said. "I wouldn't say that."

Naruto glanced at him warily. "What would you say?"

"It's my fault. For not being there for you," Jiraiya said.

Naruto furrowed his brow incredulously.

"If I had been there to provide for you, then you wouldn't have had to come up with measures to be seen," Jiraiya said. "Likewise, you would not have skipped class and discovered the classes on feminine wiles. Which are flawed, by the way, because tricking someone never works in the long term. You can trick someone a few times, but eventually, they're not going to respond to you the same way that they did, because people don't like being tricked."

Naruto ate a bite of rice. "So how is that your fault?"

Jiraiya sighed. "Because I am your godfather. You became my responsibility the moment that your father died."

"Then how come you weren't there?" Naruto asked.

"All the wrong reasons," Jiraiya said.

Naruto scowled.

"Do you really want to know?" Jiraiya asked.

Naruto nodded. "I think I better. I got a lot off my chest by yelling at you…but I know it's not the whole story, or else I wouldn't be frustrated and confused. Nothing makes sense still."

"Orochimaru was my responsibility, too," Jiraiya said. "Before your father died. I didn't give it up. I didn't know anything about raising babies, and I chose to stick with what I did best: tracking and spying. I also searched for the man who killed your father and mother."

Naruto absorbed this. "So you wanted revenge, and you focused on that instead of raising me."

"Yes," Jiraiya said.

"You were an idiot."

"I know." Jiraiya looked at him patiently. "It's a lot like how you focused on getting what you want from people by force instead of figuring out how to get into their lives willingly. That was stupid, too. Because every advanced level kunoichi knows that by buttering someone up and being nice to them, you get a lot further than a ham-fisted seduction. And what friends you have, you have because you stuck with the nice bit instead of going after immediate gratification. I noticed that Hinata likes you, and that's not because you transform into a girl and shove your boobs in her face."

Naruto nodded and mumbled, "That's true."

"I was also gone because Sandaime didn't think it was a good idea for me to be raising you," Jiraiya said.

"Why not?" Naruto demanded, sitting up straight and staring at him.

"Because I've been known to be irresponsible, and babies are tough to raise. You have to put babies before everything else you do. The moment they need food, you need to feed them. The same with changing their diaper, or holding or swaddling them if they're restless, or taking them to the hospital the moment they get sick…I would have had to stay in the village, I would have had to give up my wild ways and stick to being at home with a baby for years…the old man didn't trust me to do it." Jiraiya took a deep breath. It had all come out in a rush.

"You mean he didn't even give you a chance?" Naruto asked.

"I was always the slow student," Jiraiya said. "I was Sandaime's disappointment. All the time, I didn't do exactly what I was supposed to do, or I failed at it. He didn't trust me to do anything so important as raising you."

"But that still would have been better than leaving me in the orphanage to die," Naruto said, scowling. "I ran away from there at least once a week since I was four years old."

"I'm sorry," Jiraiya said. "That's my fault, too. Everything you suffered, you can blame on me. Kakashi was fourteen when your father died, just a kid himself – no matter what he thinks on the subject. Iruka was even younger. Twelve."

"But Jiichan was plenty old enough to take care of me," Naruto said. "And if he wanted to do such a good job, why didn't he just take me in and adopt me?"

"He lost his wife in the Kyuubi attack," Jiraiya said. "His children had already moved out, and he wasn't on the best terms with them…he would have had to give up being Hokage to be your caregiver, and he couldn't do that. No one can be the leader of a village and a single parent at the same time. It just can't be done. They have to switch off in shifts, in which case they'd get really tired, or they have to get someone else to raise the child entirely."

"Then shouldn't Jiichan have trusted you…because he had to?" Naruto asked.

Jiraiya sighed. "I don't know."

"I think he should have," Naruto said. He nodded to himself and ate some more rice.

"The stereotype is that women are more nurturing," Jiraiya said. "I bet if I were Tsunade, he would have given me a chance. Not to mention her expertise in medical jutsu. He could have trusted her. I…who knows. Maybe I would have made a terrible godfather."

"You apologized to me," Naruto pointed out. "You can't be that terrible."

Either Naruto was calmer with food in his stomach, which was the case with most people, or Jiraiya was getting somewhere. He hoped it was at least a combination. "Thank you," Jiraiya said. "Maybe if you'll let me, I can figure out how to be a good godfather for you instead of some loser who's abandoned you all your life."

"You haven't abandoned me for all my life," Naruto said. "You're here." He ate some more miso soup.

Jiraiya relaxed and ate his rice.

The server came with their barbeque pork and fish, and took away Jiraiya's empty rice bowl.

"How come you didn't come back sooner if you felt so bad?" Naruto asked.

"Sandaime told me to return on your twelfth birthday," Jiraiya said. "I missed it because I was finishing up a mission in the Land of Earth and couldn't make it. So I arrived in time for the break between the two halves of the Chunin Exam."

Naruto looked at him with wide eyes. "You did find me on purpose."

"I tried to tell you that," Jiraiya said. He paused and looked away. "You weren't supposed to walk in on me, but once you were there…yeah. I stole you from Ebisu on purpose."

"That would be saying I wanted to be with that closet pervert," Naruto said.

Jiraiya gave him a look. "Naruto, I found out from Konohamaru why you call him that. Any man is going to get a nosebleed when you assault him with thirty naked women. It's just a fact. Don't you think he has great willpower if it took that many naked women to make him react?"

Naruto pouted and crossed his arms. "Maybe."

"I think you're too hard on the adult male population," Jiraiya said. "Especially since you're going to be one someday. You're not a girl, Naruto. You're a boy."

"I'm trying to ignore that," Naruto said loudly. "Boys are disgusting."

"You might think that," Jiraiya said. "But I doubt most girls would agree. And doesn't that mean you think of yourself as disgusting?"

Naruto scowled and hid his face in his hands, propping his elbows up on the table. "I don't wanna talk about it."

Jiraiya sensed trauma. He got up and sat down next to Naruto, slipping an arm around his godson's shoulders. "Are you sure?" he asked quietly. "Talking might make you feel better. How can I help when I don't know what the problem is?"

Naruto bowed his head.

Jiraiya was relieved that Naruto didn't push him away. "Please…let me be your godfather. Starting today…I want to know about all your problems."

For a moment, Naruto was silent. Then he blurted, "They said –" Naruto started shaking. "In that kunoichi class, they said…boys like to put their hands up girls' skirts, and steal their underwear, and – and touch their naked parts. And that is perverted. And all men are perverted. And they like to get girls alone and do things to them. Like – like –"

Jiraiya hugged him tightly. "The teacher was wrong, Naruto. Not all boys and men are like that. And you were too young to hear that, weren't you? How old were you?"

"T-Ten." Naruto sounded as though he might cry.

Jiraiya rubbed his back. "Much too young. That shocked you – and scared you, didn't it?"

"Yes." Naruto sounded reproachful. "How am I supposed to feel?"

"No other way," Jiraiya reassured him. "Your feelings are your own. It's okay to feel disgusted by what the kunoichi teacher said. It's wrong. Boys shouldn't do things like touch girls without their permission, and steal girls' underwear. Just because that's a common perception of how boys act doesn't mean that all boys and men are like that, or that you have to be like that. You're not. You're a good person, and you don't want to treat girls that way. So you won't. There's nothing scary about being a boy…There's just some scary things about the way boys and girls talk to each other."

"It's better to be a girl," Naruto said. He sounded stuffed up. "Girls don't touch boys that way or chase after them and make them do things."

"That's not true," Jiraiya said gently. "Being a boy or a girl has nothing to do with it. Girls can be bad sometimes, too." He paused in rubbing Naruto's back. "I had a girl who used to pick on me all the time. And Sakura picks on you. That's not good behavior. Being a girl isn't the answer."

"But girls get all the attention."

"Not all of my attention," Jiraiya said. "It's a front. Part of being a spy is acting like a fool sometimes. Or a bad person. If people think I'm a womanizing drunk, they're not scared of me. Otherwise, they would treat me like the Great Sannin, and shady types I'm trying to spy on would never get near me."

"So you're acting all the time, too," Naruto said. He clung to Jiraiya. "I act happy because I have to be. If people see I'm sad, then they win. Everyone always wants me to be sad and upset. Everyone but Hinata. And I can't get close to her because I'm inspiring, or something. If she got to know me, she'd know it's all a farce, and she wouldn't want to be near me, then. She'd see me as a hero who let her down."

Jiraiya hugged Naruto tightly.


End file.
